Nama Retreat. Session 5

This morning we were talking about the three aspects of the false ego, which is our main enemy.
Ahankar, the very strong and deeply rooted identification with the body and mind, is the root cause of all offenses.
All offenses are coming from this self-centered, egoistic, egocentric mentality, which actually pushes us to think about ourselves during Japa.
As it is said in this definition of the ten offenses: *aham mamadi paramo*.
I and mine remain in the center of my consciousness even while I am chanting japa.
I always think, "What I will do when this japa finally finished?"
You already make plans how you will enjoy, or you become very proud, you know, "I'm chanting so nicely," because you need to engage your I, your I somehow or other has to be engaged in self-clarification, and therefore *kirtaniya sadahari* doesn't happen.
The Sanskrit word *kirtaniya* has a very interesting and important meaning.
*Kirtaniya* means "who is to be glorified."
The state which is described in the third verse of Shikshastaka is the state of our consciousness when we finally, after so many years of practice, realized that the only one who should be glorified is Krishna.
Before that we still were more or less hanging or clinging for the conception that there is somebody who should be glorified, and this somebody happened to be me.
So *kirtaniya* means you finally realize *kirtaniya sadahari*, you always understand that He is the constant object of my glorification.
He should be glorified.
*Kirtaniya* literally means "should be glorified."
He is the one who should be glorified.
And when you understand this, then very naturally you sing his glories, you chant about him, you talk about him, you sing about him.
But before that, *aham mamadi paramo*, you think about yourself, about your plans for enjoyment, and about your plans for, you know, proving everyone that you're very special.
And if you're very advanced devotee, then you try to prove to God that you're very special.
And work hard, you know, look at me, you know, how nicely I'm changing.
Isn't it nice?
Anyway.

So we were talking about three aspects of ego.
*Kartritva*, the conception that I'm the doer, everything depends on me.
And this is the most subtle and most difficult aspect of our consciousness, this pride.
I am the doer.
I rely on myself, self-reliance.
You know, we know this reliance is there in India.
So you rely on yourself.
You don't rely on God.
You rely on yourself.
This is *kartritva*.
*Kartritva*, I'm the doer.
I'm successful.
I'm this, I'm that.
I will achieve success.
I know what to do.
So *karanatva* is a little less problematic.
I mean, it's more gross.
*Kartritva* is this sometimes hidden pride: "I know, I know, I'm, you know, this."
*Karanatva*, this identification with the body and with the senses, it's basically my ability to interact with the world.
I'm very skillful.
I know how to see.
I know how to, you know, I'm good at it.
Like I was speaking with one disciple in New York and he got totally entangled into this material life, he moved to New York and he became, you know, he started taking drugs and something like this, and I started speaking with him, I'm asking what you're doing and how you're doing this and that, and he said, "I'm enjoying life and I'm good at it."
So that's the idea, you know, "I'm enjoying my senses and I'm good at it, I know how to do it."
So this identification with *karana*, with our senses, *karanatva*, is the second aspect.
And the grossest manifestation of it is *karayatva*, when our ego becomes invested into the material things, *mamata*.

So, and because of this absorption in I and mind, in this *Aham Mamadi Paramo*, because of this conception, when we chant, we chant with offenses.
We become offensive.
We don't have the proper respect, and you know, the inattentiveness comes from this, and so many other offenses come from this.
All offenses are coming from this little seed.
So, how to practically use?
And we were talking about distortions of our perception, of our mechanism of perception, of our consciousness.
And it's manifested also in three ways, according to the three aspects of false ego, that we don't feel that God is there, we don't, we become lazy or we become distracted and ultimately we become very disturbed.
We were talking about three kinds of illusions which we have due to this false ego.
So knowing how it works, we will now try to do some exercise which is given by Shri Shachidananda in his book, The Living Name, where he gives different exercises.
And this particular exercise which he gives is very important.
Actually, this is the exercise which every devotee has to do every day if he's engaged in puja.
Because you can only do puja to the deities if you are not this body.
You cannot do puja with this body because Krishna is not a body.
He is not a material entity.
So you cannot enter into the altar or you cannot even interact with your home deities if you are in this conception that I am this body and I am this mind.
So before, you have to do *Bhutashuddhi*.
There are mantras of *Bhutashuddhi*, but because we don't understand Sanskrit, there are some English mantras for this *Bhutashuddhi*.
*Bhutashuddhi* basically means the purification from *bhuta*.
*Bhuta* means this *mahabhuta*.
The elements, the primordial elements from which our body is composed.
So first we have to adopt the different identities, spiritual identity.
And this exercise is about this.
And it's very elaborate.
There are how many steps?
Many steps, eight steps.
We will not do all the eight steps, because by the end of this exercise, probably will be midnight.
But we will chant.
So before, the idea is that we will do, according to Satyananda Maharaja's guidance, with his guidance, we will do something and meditate in a certain way, and then we chant for 15 minutes, so be prepared for chanting session.
But before we will do this *Bhutashuddhi*.
And basically *Bhutashuddhi* means to find yourself.
What happens when we are acting, when we are actively involved with this matter, when we are doing this, when we are pushing and pulling and doing all kinds of work, you know, naturally we have to think, "I am this body and I am this mind."
You know, it's very difficult, of course, it's possible to act in this world if you don't think you are this body and this mind, but it will be quickly noticeable that you are doing something and at the same time, you know, you are not this body and not this mind, people will think you're a little crazy.
So we're constantly reinforcing our false identification with matter, but when the chanting comes we really have to work hard to disidentify with the matter.
And the first step, the first point for this is to become the observer.
We first have to scan our body, by scanning our body and by observing how we breathe.
Satyananda Maharaja elaborately explains this, this is the standard preparation for meditation.
Because you know, normally when we breathe, do you observe how you breathe?
No, you just breathe.
Why?
Because you are the doer, you are not the observer.
Because you are the breather.
I don't know if there is such English word or not, you are just doing it.
Now you change your consciousness completely, you start observing how you are breathing, and you understand and it's not me who is breathing, it's my body who is breathing.
You're stepping out from your body, and you're looking what is going on with your body, how you're breathing, and by this *sakshitva*, by this position of observer, you already, first of all, immediately what you will feel and what you will notice, that the mind will become much more peaceful, much more quiet.
You know, this energy, this passionate energy which is raging within the mind will calm down because it will not be fed by our spiritual energy of the soul.
You know, the soul is different.
So, of course, it will take some time before it calms down completely.

So and then the essence of this meditation, guided meditation which is given by Satyananda Maharaja is that you know, by calming down your mind, taking the position of the observer, you try to find yourself.
You concentrate on the area of the heart.
The heart actually is the controlling organ of our mind.
It's very interesting because usually, because we're all living in the mind, we think that the mind is the most important.
But even according to the modern science, there are connections, there are neural chains which are going on networks of neurons, which are coming from the mind to the heart, and which are coming from the heart to the mind.
But if we take 100% of this connection between mind and the heart, what do you think?
How much is coming from the brain, sorry, not from the mind, from the brain to the heart, and how much is coming, relatively speaking, from heart to the brain?
90% is coming from heart to the brain, and 10% from brain to the heart.
So, actually, the brain, in reality, completely controlled by the heart.
Why?
Because who is in the heart?
Soul is in the heart.
Soul is in control.
Soul is controlling everything.
So 90% of, there are afferent connections and descending and ascending connections.
So 90% are ascending connections from heart to the brain.
And only 10% is the feedback mechanism from brain back to the heart.
So the next step of this *Bhutashuddhi* exercise of guided meditation is that you try to find yourself.
And you try to chant from this space.
Upanishad says that there is a very special space within the heart, within the lotus of the heart, there is a transcendental space where the soul is situated.
It's a special area in the heart to which all the *nadis* are coming.
70, actually 10 main *nadis* are coming from the heart.
And these 10 main *nadis* are multiplied by 10, and there are 100 *nadis*.
They're like, you know, there are different, how you say, branching out from these 10 *nadis*.
And then from these 100 *nadis*, 72,000 *nadis* are coming from the heart.
So everything is controlled from the heart.
We are there in the heart.
When somebody asks, you know, when you want to show that this is you, when you say "this is I am," you don't say "I am this."
You say "I am this."
Right?
You naturally point out where you are, where you are situated in your heart.
So that's the next, that will be the step of this guided meditation.
You find this space, you find yourself.
And then from this space, from this location where you are, you try to chant not from the mind, not from the lips, but from the heart where you are.
And let's see what happens.
So that's what it is.
And let's, let's try to do this experiment.
So let's do step number one, bring your shoulders back and expand your chest.
It's already impossible for some.
Anyway.
So the first preparation for meditation is that you have to be erect.
Because again, the position of your spine influences your mind functioning.
So if you are erect, if your body is tall and you're breathing nicely, it's, it's important.
Then let's do this deep exhalation and inhalation.
Let's do few deep breathes and absorb the breathing of us.
Let's do for a few seconds.
Like in yoga studios they say, inhale, exhale.
I will, you will not do this.
Just do this, inhale and exhale yourself.
So take this position of observer.
You are capable of observing your breathing.
You are capable of observing your body.
It basically means that you are not your breathing.
It means you are not the body.
And you can observe your mind.
You can take this neutral position and see how the mind behaves.
And by this breathing exercise you calm down the mind.
And then please try to concentrate in the area of the heart, that's where your soul, we are there in the heart.
And if you are sensitive enough you will be able to feel it, this is where the energy of consciousness, of awareness, the ability of awareness is coming from.
So now let's begin this meditation according to the book.
Please close your eyes and follow me saying:

"I let everything in my life slowly and gently disappear, my relationships, job, projects, plans and all that occupies my mind, I let them completely slip away.
Because it really doesn't belong to me.
It's something external to me, the observer.
I am now absolutely alone.
There is no one and nothing in my environment.
I am sitting in a solitary place near Govardhan.
I have no memories, no thoughts of my life, just me and my breath.
I am absolutely alone, absolutely safe and absolutely present to whatever comes.
Now I concentrate on my heart space.
This is where I, the eternal spiritual soul, part of the Supreme servant of Radha and Krishna, am situated.
It is my misfortune that I have been absent from that relationship and instead been wandering the world in the repeated cycle of birth and death.
Helplessly I've identified with one material body after another, one dream life after another, but now my fortune has turned.
I met Srila Prabhupada through his books and his followers and I have learned from him about my actual identity as a pure spirit.
I am a resident of the spiritual world, the kingdom of love.
I am an individual who is completely separate from the gross and subtle body.
I've been inspired to take up the path of eternal loving service to their lordships, Radha and Krishna.
I will no longer ever be alone.
I know that there is only Radha and Krishna.
No one else.
By trying to concentrate on the heart, but trying to withdraw all our consciousness away from body and the mind, and by understanding that I, the little spark of consciousness, always apart of the huge, immense original fire of consciousness, which is Krishna.
And I always belong to Him.
And my relationship with Him is always the relationship of service.
By chanting His holy names, I will try to reestablish this relationship or submit myself rather to him as his lost servant who is eagerly waiting to meet him again.
So from this consciousness let's try to chant the holy name of the Lord.
Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Ram, Hare Hare."

So what we will do now, we are talking about the emotions of *Sharanagati* and tomorrow we will in the morning we will conclude this topic, but today we will chant one of the first songs from *Sharanagati* by Shri Bhaktivinoda Thakur, *Amara Jivanam*.
And I will ask, our will chant?
Okay.
Sharad Bihari Prabhu from South Africa will chant.
You need this harmonium?
This is okay?
Because this is good.
You are okay?
But first let me, the text will be projected on the screen, but first let me translate the song for those of you who may not understand Bengali.
This is the song from the first section of Bhaktivinoda Thakur *Sharanagati*, which is called *Dina*.
He starts from this feeling completely wretched, though he is coming from the word *dina*.
*Dina* means fallen, and we have to be very clear, we are all fallen.
Sometimes we may get very strange idea that yes, everyone is fallen, but not me.
But the very fact that you are in this material world means you are fallen, it's a very, you know, 100% proof that you are fallen.
Fallen means your spirit is corrupted, it's completely corrupted by the contact with matter.
And Bhaktivinoda Thakur, sometimes people say, you know, he's a pure devotee, how he can say this about himself?
Some people say that he's just pretending or he's trying to teach us how we should think.
No, no, he's not pretending.
How you can say that pure devotee is pretending?
He is speaking what is there in his heart because he understands that this is my situation, being the spirit soul placed in this matter, I am doomed to do what I am doing.
And therefore he says, *Amara Jivanam Sadapa piritata*.
My whole life I was devoted to commit sinful activities.
Maybe gross sins, it may be more subtle sins, but I'm attached to my self-sense enjoyment.
I don't have even a drop of *punya*, of piety.
Sometimes it is said, it is said in Bible, that God is more happy when he sees somebody who is sinful and he is repenting than somebody who is very pious and proud.
God doesn't like proud, pious people.
God likes people who are real.
And real people understand, "I'm not so pure, I don't have even a drop of..."
And why?
Because I always created some disturbance or anxiety to other people.
Did you create some disturbance to other people?
Sometimes.
Sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly.
Sometimes you're just snoring and disturbing other people.
And I always was trying to create, to inflict some suffering to other living entities.
I always created pain.
You know, this is the first thing which we do when we appear in this world.
What do we do?
We inflict pain to our mother.
This is what we do.
Everyone of us.
No exception.
Unless you are Jesus Christ.

*Nija sukhalagi, papi nahidori, dayahina svarthapara.*
I'm always concerned with my own happiness, *Nija sukhalagi*.
*Papi nahidori*, and I don't hesitate to commit any sin.
*Dayahina svarthapara*.
And I don't have any mercy because I am self-centered.
*Svartha*, egoistic.
I'm only interested in my own *artha*, in my own interest.
*Paradukha sukha*.
And then when I see somebody is very happy, I become sad, you know.
How is it that he's so happy?
And *sadamyata bhasha*.
And I always speak lies.
I always speak something which is not exactly true.
And *paradukha sukha karta*.
And when I see somebody is suffering I always feel, "Yes, he deserves it."
*Asese kamunah ridhimajaya maura*.
In my heart there are so many desires, unlimited desires.
*Krodhi*, I am always angry.
*Dambaparayana*, and I always pretend, I always try to show off something which I am not.
I want to impress other people.
I want to project some sort of image of myself which is not real.
*Madha mata sada*.
And I'm always a little crazy because I'm actually...
*Madha* means I'm intoxicated.
I'm intoxicated with pride.
I always think about myself, how good I am.
*Vishaya mohita*, and I am bewildered by *vishaya*, by the sensuousness.
*Himsa garva vi bhushana*, and I have very beautiful decorations.
Nice.
*Himsa* and *Garva*.
*Garva* means pride and *Himsa* means violence.
What?
There's something wrong.
*Bhakti anukula matra*.
I think you should sleep a little more.
Yeah.
I am always sleeping, yeah.
And I am lazy.
And I am very slow when it comes to do something good.
But I am good at not doing anything good.
*Akarje udyogiyami*, I am very fit not to do anything, very capable of not doing anything.
*Pratishtalagya*, and I always think I am very special, very special.
*Satya acharana*, and in my behavior I am always crooked, I am doing something which is not nice.
*Loba hata sadakami*, and I always want *loba*, I want more and more and more to come to me.
Yes, I hope it will not be like this when we will chant, it's good that we, huh, yes, this one.
And next six, yes, and seven?
Okay, that's it, okay.
I always associate with bad people and *sajjana varjata*, good people, rejected me.
And I always create some offenses.
I don't have any pious credits.
And my mind is always filled with *anarthas*, filled with some unwanted things.
And among this, all of sudden I realized I became old.
I lived my life very happily, doing all these things, and then all of sudden a big surprise came.
I'm already old.
My body is telling me that my life is coming to an end.
*Nana dukha jarajara*.
Therefore, when the *jara*, when this old age comes, I reap the consequences of my life, *nana dukha*.
And therefore, usually when people live this kind of life, their old age is very unfortunate.
*Nana dukha, jarajara*.
And Bhaktivinoda Thakur concludes this song, *vardakekana upayavihina*.
Yes, I came to this old age.
I understand there is no *upaya*.
There is no means for salvation for me.
I cannot really save myself because I'm already old and useless.
And I don't have any abilities.
And therefore, he says, the only thing which I can do is to come to the lotus feet of my Lord and to tell him openly and honestly, this is what I did, this is my very sad story of my life, *kari dukhani vidana*.

So that's the bhajan which we will chant now with complete feeling of it.